Shenanigans

Labels: QAD

You can love him or hate him but you cannot ignore him (another Cliché!) – he is the master of commentary – no matter which channel you tune in – ESPNStar, Ten or Neo – he is always there. He came to the commentary scene in 1994 during the Sri Lanka tri-series when he announced to the world that “He took retirement coz he was not getting any younger”. He is accused of being a stooge of the BCCI and he forms the infamous ‘Desi Trio’ with Gavaskar and Bhogle. He is none other than Shastriji – here are some of his scratch-your-head-and-pull-your-eyes-out and repeated-like-gramaphone-record Clichés:

• Ball is not coming on to the bat
• Pitch Report - I would not be surprised if the odd ball keeps low on this surface
• It was set up like a cat among pigeons
• He is kind of a player who can take the attack to the opposition
• [Name of the captain] knows that this is the time to tighten the screws on [opposition team]
• This is what the doctor ordered
• As a batsman he knows exactly where his leg stump is
• A shot of spectators (especially a girl amused on seeing herself on the big screen) – Hmmm ..She is enjoying it
• Pre-Match – There is not a single vacant seat in this stadium OR It is housefull at the [name of the stadium] here
• That went like a tracer bullet
• [Name of the captain] knows exactly what he is doing
• A good thing about him is that he bowls within himself
• That came right out of screws
• He is a street-smart cricketer
• Had the ball hit the stumps, it would have been touch-and-go
• Post-match (high scoring ODI game) – Ladies and Gentlemen, we witnessed a great match today. More than [a big number like 600 or 650] runs were scored. In the end, you have to say that the team that held its nerve won.
• Post-match (very close ODI game) – Ladies and Gentlemen, we had a cracker of a match today. At the end of the day, one would say that there had to be a winner and [winning team] were up to the task but spare a thought for the [losing team]
• Post match (one-sided ODI game) – A thoroughly professional performance by the [winning team] OR [Losing team] were completely outplayed by the [winning team]

-@JayBisnik

Prelims on 10.01.2009

When we reached the iGate office, there was a buzz in the air. There were 50 odd participants from all the big names in the corporate world. Everyone was very serious about the competition and some people even had dictionaries with them. Both of us (Yaseen and Jayendra) are passionate about scrabble and we had pursued it as a hobby till then. We were there to have fun and to give our best shot at every game.

First two games were quite easy for us as we had expected. We defeated Qualcomm and Tesco respectively by huge margins (100+). In the third game we met Oracle SSI (OSSI) and it was a tight game. Oracle scored a bingo in the 3rd move and we also followed suite. The game had been very close had we not made another bingo later in the game. The word was MERITING and we owed our victory to this single word.

At the half way mark, during lunch break, we were placed 2nd (owing to the margin of victory) behind Oracle Financial services (OFS), who had demolished every other team they had played by gigantic margins. For the first time, we were noticed as an underdog team. We were drawn against OFS in the 4th round. It was quite intimidating to play with them. They were very fast in their moves and were constantly chatting loudly. We lost to them by 37 points. The last match of the day was drawn against OSSI again. After having beaten them once, both of us were very confident of repeating the feat. The game turned out to be an absolute thriller. Lead changed hands constantly. The winner was decided on the last move when they managed to finish their tiles before us. We lost by 5 points. That was the closest margin of victory in the whole tournament.

At the end of the prelims, we were placed at 6th owing to our losses in the last two games. The top 8 teams qualified for the finals to be played on 18th January. After a dozen Nescafe coffees, Maggi soups and Marlboros that had been consumed in the 8 hours roller-coaster ride, we were happy to have made it to the finals. We knew that finals will be another day and that we will stand a chance if we play well on the day.

Finals on 18.01.2009

In the finals on the Sunday afternoon, each team had to play 3 games to decide the final rankings of the tournament. In the preceding week, both of us had done some preparation in our free time.

Our first match was against one of our own – SAP Labs. Those guys were placed 7th and were good at the game. We were leading them from the start until they scored a bingo. In the new scenario, we were neck to neck. Towards the end, they gave some openings to us and we took those with both hands. We defeated them by a thin margin of 10 points.

In the next match, we were pitted against Oracle SSI again. We were playing them for the third time in the tournament and both the teams knew each others’ strengths and weaknesses. Going by the history, our games were always tight and very close. This one turned out to be even closer. Many a times, we had bingos on our rack but we did not have a place to play them. We took a lot of time between our moves and we were left with less than a minute on the clock and a full rack to go. We played the last move with 0.01 minute to spare. We hardly noticed that there was a crowd that had gathered around the table and everyone was applauding the keenly fought game. We had won by 7 points.

As expected, our third match was against the undefeated team in the tournament at that point – Oracle financial services. It was the decider. Having played them once, we had an idea about their strategies and playing style. We decided not to give them any openings and keep the board tight in the finals. The game began at an even pace with both the teams not giving any freebies to each other. With words like XU, UG, UT, GI, EA and JO, we frustrated them for place on the board. We had our moments too, like when we made VERVES, a high-scoring move. For the first time in the tournaments, OFS were searching for words and place to fit them. They were also trailing us on time. Our strategy was working and we tightened our grip on the match. However, they came back again in the match with WOOF, WE. Finally, we prevailed and won by a wafer-thin margin of 8 points (334-326). It was a close and a nerve-racking encounter, which we managed to win in the end. It was truly an icing on the proverbial cake. It took more than an hour for the feeling to sink in. We were handed out the winner’s trophy by Mr. Rex D’Souza, the president of Karnataka State Scrabble Association.

The final ranking was:

1. SAP Global Delivery
2. Oracle Financial Services
3. Oracle SSI

It is a great achievement since nobody gave us a chance at the start of the tournament. It was as if – We came, we saw, we conquered.

One of the quotes twisted to suit the modern world:

"When you want something really badly, all the universe conspires in helping you NOT to achieve it ".

This is an excerpt from my conversation with V, one of those useless and meaningless conversations carried out by jobless individuals:

B: "You know what .... Everybody in this world is a winner according to my philosophy"

V (puzzled): "How? What is your philosophy?"

B: "See ..... the philosophy is One million sperms and you were the fastest ...... that means everyone was a winner atleast once ...... the difference is he/she never remembers it as his/her existence started at that very moment. So no one is a loser"

V (laughing): "hmm ..... interesting thought !!"

V(after thinking for a while): "Then how will you account for twins? One of them is faster and beats the other one !!"

B:"Then I have to alter my theory ....... Everyone is a winner in this world but multiple-birth-individuals are the biggest losers !!"

V and B laughing their guts out !!

"Happy Birthday"
This tradition has continued for millions of years, I guess. But what are we wishing the person about? About the existence of the person on this planet for X no. of years OR about the existence of the person on this planet for the next (Y-X) no. of years OR about how comfortably the person has spent the last year doing nothing worthwhile OR reminding the person "One more year less Dude!!".

There was a time in my childhood when I wished to grow old fast and reach 18 years and become independent and other usual teenage stuff. There was also a time when, at 22, I wanted to stop growing old. Now I have reached a age (on the other side of twenty five) where I want to grow old backwards. This is the famous problem in Anthropology where "A human being wants to grow as fast as possible to the adulthood only to crave to become a child again".

Why is such an importance given to just one day when your life is defined by the 364 other days in the year? Maybe its somehow linked to the Nirvana theory. The celebrations are due to the fact that you did so many bad deeds in your previous life that you were born again into this world; and end up celebrating that day every year with similar kind of human beings. Wierd but according to the Hindu tradition, this precisely is the reason - You were a past-life-evil and now you are celebrating your failure-to-attain-Nirvana with other evils.

Above might sound a little cynical, but frankly, I am trying to find the answer to the question "Why Birthday?". Anyways, till then I'll continue to celebrate this day with all the moolah and the "thank-yous" that I can muster.

Back after a break of one month with this slightly cribbish posting !!

After being deprived of Indian surroundings and way of life for one and a half months, at last, I was ready to fly back to India. The feeling of landing on Indian soil again was overwhelming. The 3.5 hours journey felt like a million years inspite of Thai Airways serving ‘Indian Vegetarian’ food (for a change!!) and showing the movie Monster-In-Law. Finally, we hit the IG International Airport runway exactly at 11 PM.

The excitement vanished as soon as I came across the line at immigration. It was like a mile long and it seemed as if whole of India was returning from abroad. There were two queues: an orderly one for the foreign nationals & a serpent-like impatient line for Indian nationals. For me, this contrast summed up the difference between India and rest of the world. Standing, or rather being pushed-around, in the queue, I looked around at the plight of the airport. Singapore and Bangkok airports looked like dreams in front of this nightmarish one. Be it dilapidated interiors or the time clocks that never seemed to work or the apathetic staff, it was as shabby as it could get. After 1.5 hours, this ordeal was over; or so I thought because the best was yet to come.

As I had to catch a train in the morning, I decided on taking a pre-paid taxi to the New Delhi railway station. The taxi-fare was in no way less than the international fares and it made me to believe in the same way about the taxi. After having being dropped in a Mercedes in SG and in a brand new Toyota Corona in Bangkok, the taxi at IGI airport came as a rude shock. It was an antiquated, dented and tattered Maruti Omni. It was fully air-conditioned as there were no windows in it. I cursed myself on having paid so much for that shady piece of junk. The exterior of the airport was as bad as the interior. There was so much commotion as the foreigners were confused about the taxi they had to take. To top this, the taxi drivers were fighting for the most wealthy-looking tourist. The road leading out of airport had potholes chiseled all over it as if shaking to remind that I was back home. Suddenly, a thought occurred – if after living a few days outside the country, I am feeling like this then what would be the plight of the foreigners who come here for fun? “First impression makes a lasting impression” was a saying I had learnt long back and I am sorry to say that first impression of India was not very impressive. A country like Thailand, which is very much like India in many respects, gives a first impression of grandeur, affluence and great hospitality. And what impression are we giving? Of shabbiness, apathy and penury!!

Pratham Shreni Pratikshalaya (First Class Waiting Room) were the words written outside a room on the ND railway station platform no. 1. As it was an extraordinarily hot day in Delhi, I expected nothing less than an air-condition environment inside. But it was only after entering it that I realized how much of a misnomer the room was. There were people strewn all over the place sleeping on the ground and there was hardly any space to walk around. There were hardly any fans in there and sweat was pouring like rain. After settling down on a seat and looking around, I found Apne saamaan ki suraksha khud karein (Take care of your luggage) written on all the four walls. Was it a warning or plain information … nobody knows. I worriedly looked at my luggage only to find that the Thai-airways appendages looked like medals on a soldier’s uniform announcing how bravely the owner had carried them through the customs of a few countries. The next thing I remember doing was getting rid of all those attachments. After two bottles of water and an India Today and an Outlook, I survived 4 hours in that hellish room without a single minute of sleep. As I was moving out of the room, I looked back at the board and had an urge to paint the words Pratham Shreni Narakalaya (First Class Hell) on it.


Answer to Solve it like Holmes : Buffy is the killer. He went inside with Pinns into the latter’s room and killed him. He then switched off the light of the room and disconnected the circuits. With the door bolted, he waited in the darkness for the opportune moment to escape but could not come out due to Demi’s roaming around and then Viv coming out of his room to go to the bathroom. When Viv was trying to revive Sandy, he moved out of the room and acted as if he came running (by panting etc. so as to give that effect). He was not seen in the dim emergency light due to his black attire. His false story, that he came from other hostel, was busted when Chubby asked the watchman (at the end of the story) about his coming inside the hostel at 11:30.

Note: This piece was written as my contribution for a magazine called Kshitij but some intellectuals, who call themselves the editors, had some other ideas. Since I had spent some time in composing this, so publishing it here. This is also dedicated to my IIT-M gang.

It was a dark, eerie night and the silence was broken down by screeching sound of a jeep. As detective Chubby walked into the hostel with his assistant Stony, he could feel the tension in the air. It was the first time such a crime was committed on the institute’s premises. He could see the next day’s newspaper headlines “Student found murdered in the hostel” in front of his eyes. This would lead to further repercussions in terms of the reputation of this institute. With all these thoughts running in the back of his mind, Chubby found himself standing in front of the ill-fated room no. 247, the door of which was wide open and on the floor was lying the body of Pinns. There were a few guys standing outside the room in a shocked state.

A man, who by no means looked like a student, walked up to Chubby and said in a breaking voice “Hello detective, I am the warden of this hostel. This student Pinns lived in this room and was found murdered 45 minutes ago, strangled to death”. Chubby looked at his watch; it was fifteen minutes past midnight. He looked at the deserted, dark corridor. “Are there no lights here in this part of the hostel”, he enquired.
“These tube-lights are not working for the last two days. Somebody took away their starters. We registered a complaint but no action was taken”, a heavy voice spoke from behind the detective. This was Viv, Pinns’ best friend of the past.

Till now Stony had taken a stroll in the hostel and he reached up to Chubby and said in his quirky style “There is no way an outsider could have come inside the hostel other than through the front door. I spoke to the watchman, who swears that no outsider entered the hostel after 10 PM. He has a list of all the visitors in the register. If it was done by an outsider, it was done before 10 PM”.

“But Pinns came with me from the library at 11 PM”, another voice made its way through the huddle. This was Buffy, Pinns’ neighbor.
“That means one of the students has committed this crime!!!”, exclaimed Stony with widened eyes.
“How many students live here?” asked Chubby, ruthlessly brushing aside his assistant’s excitement.
“Only ten”, said the warden, “Its summer break going on; so we don’t allow students to stay. Only final year students who are doing their projects are living here”.
“How many are living in this wing?”
“Six of us……oh I forgot now only five are living”, said Demi, the bulky guy of them all; and as always, not leaving any opportunity to pun on words.
“What about the guys in the other wings?”, said Chubby, closely examining Pinns’ body with a raised brow.
“They all went for a movie at 10 PM. They probably don’t know what has happened here. Oh God ………”, said Icy in a choked voice.
“Who found the body?”

Sandy, the guy who had not uttered a word till now, was the most stunned in the whole gang. He raised his hand as if he was sitting in a class. “I found him lying here. After he came from the library, he told me that he would bring some booze from his room and join me in 10 minutes but did not turn up for 30 minutes. I thought he passed out or something inside his room but this……..”, his voice broke and he started crying profusely.

After a brief silence, Chubby spoke, “Seems like all four of you were there inside the hostel when this happened”.
“No detective, I went to the other hostel; I had just entered the wing when Sandy shouted and collapsed on the floor after seeing the body”, Buffy was quick to interrupt. He was looking like an 80s rock star with long hairs, torn black jeans and a black tee shirt, with his muscles trying to rip the fabric apart.
“Okay then; I will take statement of each of you in the next room. Please come one by one”, asked Chubby in a stern voice of a cop.

Sandy, the frailest among the whole lot, came into the room, still fazed due to the horrific event. He spoke in a trembling voice, “When Pinns did not turn up till 11:30, I went to his room and found it bolted from inside. After knocking and shouting, I opened the door only to find pitch dark inside…………….”

“…… Opened the door!!! How can you open a door that is bolted from inside? Are you drunk?”

“No detective….. Luckily I didn’t have any money or booze today. Coming back to the door, everyone in the wing knew that Pinns’ door opened after you tap it 4-5 times at a particular spot. Nearly everyone had mastered this art. After opening the door, I tried to switch on the lights but in vain; so I went back to Demi’s room and got the emergency light. As I switched on the light, I could see him lying absolutely still. I shouted and …… and don’t know what happened after that”.

Viv: “I was working on my project the whole evening and did not come out of my room. I went to take bath at around 11:20 and saw Demi and Icy playing Age of Empires on the network in their respective rooms. In the middle of the bath, I heard a strange cry; thinking something is wrong, I ran out only to see Sandy lying on the ground outside Pinns’ room. As I tried to wake him up, I saw the body of Pinns in the dim emergency light. Suddenly I saw Buffy standing besides me …. He also came running, I think. Yeah…… I think this nerd Buffy is the main suspect. He had an aversion for Pinns from the very beginning because of grades. Last week, they had a major fight when Buffy came to know that Pinns had stolen some of the experimental results from his thesis and submitted them to the professor. This would have meant a straight A to Pinns and Buffy would have been left with a B, which in turn would have put the Gold medal in Pinns’ neck. Everyone knows that Buffy can do anything for grades”

Buffy: “I know what this cool dude Viv would have told you. He thinks I am the killer. Why will I do this? Just for the sake of some grades!!! No way. I mean….. we bickered over some issue but today Pinns apologized to me and I gave him lift on my bike from library. I forgave him and things were cool. In my opinion, Viv is the one. He had a grudge against Pinns coz his girlfriend had ditched him and went with Pinns. Viv is an emotional guy and was very upset about this and never spoke to Pinns. He even told me that he would kill Pinns whenever he got a chance. Yesterday, he saw both of them on the beach and this made him even more furious. I think he was planning this meticulously in his room all day today. He would have killed him and left the door like that. And this guy Sandy, he is always boozed…... you can’t trust whatever he says …….. sometimes he even forgets his own name.”

Demi: “I was playing AOE with Icy on the network the whole day today. I had my headphones on and same was the case with Icy, I suppose. Viv, who was acting very weirdly with his bathroom towel on, called us out. I have a strong hunch that Sandy is the killer. He has got some problem …….. I think he is mad and goes crazy when drunk. Also, he is always on the lookout for cash to buy some booze or grass. Today he must have demanded some money from Pinns, refusal of which would have led to all this. Then he must have feigned unconsciousness ….. everything is a natak.”

Icy: “This is the most unfortunate incident that has occurred in our institute. Please don’t tell this to anyone but Demi is the killer. Last week, he had a fistfight with Pinns at the swimming pool during a water-polo match. Actually it was Demi’s fault but he didn’t listen to anyone. Pinns complained to the authorities and Demi was barred from playing any game on the campus …. thankfully not computer games. From then, he swears revenge; even he keeps the names of all his enemies in Quake as ‘Pinns’ and kills them like insects. Also, around 11:15, I felt that he was not active in the game; so I went to his room only to find him walking in the corridor with a dry smile and telling “I just went to look if someone had some grub in the wing”. I suspect it is then that he must have committed this crime.”

Stony was sure that he would find some other clue in this case; so he ventured into the whole wing but everything was in vain. This was quite well-planned. He reached the main entrance to find his boss talking to the watchman. Chubby in his Sherlock Holmish style asked him, “So, what do you make of this case?”
“Very interesting case but there are lots of loose ends. Anyone of the five could have done this. The door and the windows were closed and found intact ……”
Interrupting Chubby remarked, “…… its rudimentary dear Stony. The killer is ……..”

Who do you think is the killer?? Just put on your thinking shoes Holmes-style and solve this case. Answers in the next posting.

This is an inspiring story of an absolutely normal guy (lets call him TL) who, through his gambling-acumen, became a thorn in the flesh of many big-time seasoned gamblers. The story starts with TL standing in front of the entrance of Casino Genting at Genting Highlands (which, incidently, is in Malaysia, 1.5 hrs drive from KL). TL was no gambler; infact he had never been to a casino before. "I don't even know how to gamble", he thought. He was afraid of loosing the money he had. But, after a lot of deliberations, he decided to atleast have a look inside and come back without playing.

Cautiously, he stepped inside the casino, fearing that the vultures inside would mercilessly squeeze all his money out of him. The casino was huge; he had never seen something like that before; he was blinded by the glittering interiors. There were thousands of people inside and amazingly there was no noise. Everyone was engrossed in the games. No-one (except the many CCTV cameras) even noticed TL entering. "Oh God!! How would Vegas be like!!" was his first reaction. He saw endless rows of people sitting with cards and plastic coins in front of them. He recalled the many scenes of casinos in the Hollywood movies he had seen. Like in the movies, girls were sitting on the laps of smart suit-clad gamblers. "What ... is there a shortage of chairs in this place?" he said jealously to himself.

The card-games were hard to learn simply because nobody showed their cards and everything happened very quickly without a word being spoken. So, he moved forward to the game of roulette. This seemed to be an interesting one. He remembered of a Dev Anand starrer movie where the protagonist starts with a 50 Paise coin and wins many lakhs of Rupees. Inspired by Dev sahab, he made up his mind to play roulette. "Let me learn this first by seeing a few bets" he told himself. On the table, there were around 8 people sitting, most of them were women in their late 60s (they all were writing the results on a piece of paper just to know the trend of the machine). The Casino-guy used to slide the marble in the roulette machine with great adroitness and used to make some strange gestures with his hands, which at first seemed funny to TL. The game was simple->because of gravity the marble would fall into one slot with a number written inside and if you had placed a bet on that number you will get some more money.

The moment of truth came when TL took out a 50 Ringgits (currency of Malaysia: 1 RM equal to 12 INR) note out of his pocket and showed it to the Casino-guy. Casino-guy did some gestures with eyes. "Coins for 50 Ringgits please", TL demanded. But the Casino-guy was trying to tell him something. An uneasiness descended on the table (like somebody had thrown a stone in the calm waters of a pond) and an old lady gambler broke the silence "He wants you to put the bill on the table". KL understood the Rule 1: "Thou shalt put all the currency on the table". The Casino-guy gave him 10 coins of 5 RM each. Thinking it to be lucky, TL thought of bidding on his birth-date first; so he placed a 5RM coin on the number. The Casino-guy gave him a dirty glance and TL realized that he had broken another protocol as everyone on the table was looking at him. As the Casino-guy threw the coin back to him, he heard a feeble female voice telling him that the minimum bidding amount was 10RM. Rule 2:"Thou shalt not bid less than 10RM". Without looking at anyone of them, he placed two coins this time on his lucky number. His heart began to thump as the marble circled around the machine.

Some would say that it was "beginner's luck" and others "just plain luck", TL saw the marble falling into the slot of his bith-date. He had won!! He could not believe it!! The Casino-guy passed on 20 more coins to him. No-body on the table cared for this feat of TL. Now, TL placed the bet on few more numbers to increase the probability. He won again. After a few bets more, the coins were not fitting TL's pockets and hands. So, finally he sat down on the table (yes, he was standing like a novice all this time) like a veteran arranging all the coins neatly in front of him like the manhattans. All the gamblers were amazed to see this tyro's booty; some even gave him loathing glances. The wheel started again and TL won more and more, much to the discomfort of his co-gamblers (some of them started leaving the table).

TL was basking in the winning glory when he suddenly realized that the last bus to KL was just 10 mins away. Sadly, he decided to leave the place. But where to exchage the plastic coins for cash? He went here and there with the coins in his hands and pockets but didn't get a clue. Upon asking an Indian Casino-guy, he found that the coins were exchanged at the table itself. He went to his hallowed table and asked the Casino-guy for money. Everyone was shocked. He didn't realize that there was an unwritten Rule 3:"Thou shalt not leave the casino until and unless thou loose everything". Relunctantly, the Casino-guy gave him 500RM and asked him to depart. So TL had won 10 times the amount he betted in less than 20 mins. "Thats cool", he thought.

On the way back TL was thinking of buying something special from that money. He was very happy; not on his triumph but on having broken the Rule 3 of that casino.

Epilogue: Taking inspiration from this story of the great TL, I decided to try my luck. I followed the footsteps of TL and started by betting on my birth-date (i.e. number 13!!!). But alas, after a few rounds, I lost all my 100 RMs and I am still skipping my meals to make up for the loss !!!